Living in a D/s Relationship

Rules of This House!

     Rule 1: Master is always right.

Rule 2: If Master is ever wrong, please refer to rule number one!

 

One of my Master’s favourite sayings is “This is a dictatorship, NOT a democracy, and I am the BOSS!” and that is certainly true in our life.

Living in a D/s relationship is extremely interesting and at times very challenging. You really do have to change your whole way of thinking, and of how you look at life. When i first began to see my Master, i didn’t dream for one minute that i would end up being Collared to Him, let alone become His life partner and move in with Him too! However, as time went on, it became obvious to us both, that what we have is something rare and special, and though it may not be everyone’s idea of paradise, for Master and for me, it is a winning formula.

A lot of people in the Lifestyle may think that living in a 24/7 would be the ultimate, and i guess for me it is, but it is not always easy, and there are many speed bumps to be negotiated along the way. The simple act of living together is difficult enough in a vanilla relationship – when the relationship is D/s, it brings a whole new set of conditions to adjust to. For example, in a vanilla relationship, the decision about where things are put becomes a joint one – a discussion between two people about what looks or works best.

In our relationship, Master decides what goes where – i can, and do, respectfully suggest things, and sometimes my suggestions are taken up, but in the end, the final say is Master’s – even down to which side of the sink shall we put the soap!

I do struggle with this concept at times, especially over things that seem important to me, yet perhaps trivial to Master. I struggle with the fact that it’s not my place to worry over something, that it’s not my place to make a comment about something, even if whatever it may be, concerns me directly. I made many mistakes in the early days of our relationship, and i still do make them, possibly because i have always been an independent person, in control of my own life, and now, though i have chosen to give that up, it is still hard to change my way of thinking in some respects.

The basis for our relationship is D/s and no matter what situation we are in, i never, ever forget that He is Master and i am submissive.

At home, things are often very relaxed and we do have vanilla moments, we laugh and joke around, we do “normal” things, but in an instant that can change, and with a simple look or a word, Master can have my heart racing and my mind in a turmoil as He puts me firmly back in my place.

We are always trying to balance the vanilla side with the D/s side, and it is often a tightrope walk with egg shells underneath, though as time goes on, we are getting better at the balancing act. There are times when i feel as if i want more D/s, but as a submissive i know that this is not about me, it is about my Master – His wants and His needs are paramount, and i remind myself of this now and again. If i forget, then Master will remind me! It can’t be full on D/s all the time, that would be hard work for Master, and i believe eventually we would come to resent each other, He for having to “Dom” me all the time, and me for being “under His thumb” every minute of the day. It would destroy us in the end.

There is a lot more D/s going on than most people would realise though, a glance, a certain tone in His voice, a simple request for a cup of tea, they may all seem like normal things, but the way its done leaves no doubt in my mind just who is in control.

The way i look at my life is very different now. Getting my head around some things has taken time, but i am secure and confident and know exactly who and what i am, and i am totally comfortable with it. Being Master’s property means that i am, in essence, just like other things He owns – the tv, the stereo, the computer, the new bed – they are all items of property, just like me.

The new bed we picked out is not our bed – it is Master’s bed – the bed i am permitted to share, knowing that at any time i can be told to sleep elsewhere.

Because i am Master’s property, whatever items i bring to the house become His, He owns me, therefore He owns my things too – of course that is within reason, and i honestly cannot see Master claiming ownership of my old teddy bear for example!

My life is probably a little different to other submissives who live in a 24/7 though, because of the fact that my Master not only owns other submissives, but also gives demonstrations and teaches the arts of BDSM to various people. This means that i not only have to accept that He needs to give His time and His particular brand of D/s to His other submissives, but also i am confronted with Him playing with other people too. Because i am very secure in my relationship with Master, this doesn’t pose a problem for me now, though in the earlier days, i found it hard to get my head around things like that. I know that Master plays with me differently to anyone else, and He never ever hides anything from me either – i often watch other sessions, which also helps me to understand things, and i learn something new from every one.

I think that living in a D/s relationship requires a huge amount of trust, honesty, and communication – more so perhaps than in a vanilla relationship, though those qualities are important no matter what situation two people are in.

However, because of the very nature of the dynamics of a D/s relationship, there has to be complete and utter trust and honesty, and that can only come with good communication. As a submissive, i have given control of every aspect of my life to my Master, therefore i must trust Him to make the right decisions for me, so that my life is one of happiness and fulfilment.

I must also be totally honest about everything, because how can He make an informed and correct decision for me, if i don’t tell Him the whole truth?

From Master’s point of view, He must also be totally honest with me because otherwise how could i trust Him with my life if He wasn’t?  He has a responsibility to take care of me, to keep me safe and secure – and it is not something that should be taken lightly. We both need to be able to communicate our thoughts and feelings in order for this to be a successful and lasting relationship.

A good D/s relationship needs consistency too. I know the rules and if i break them i know the consequences. Master is consistent in everything He does and says. I know if He says something is going to happen, then it will. I know if He says something will not happen, then it won’t.

So with consistency and honesty comes trust and communication, i know that i can trust His word in everything, and I know He will listen to me and will communicate His own feelings to me as well.

For me, this relationship is the most complete i have ever been in. There is no part missing, no part of me left unfulfilled or wanting, no part wondering if there is more to life than what i have. I have given Master the “whole girl”- He has my mind, my body, my heart and my soul. I serve Him with that in mind all the time, and i give Him all of me, and in return He fills my needs. People may believe that i give more than He does in our relationship, but in my view, He gives me so much, He gives me security, safety, love and laughter, and the control i crave. Really, we fill each other’s needs – i need to be flogged and spanked and played with – He needs to do those things. I need the security and control – He needs to give that. We are like two halves of the whole, and without doubt it is the right way for us.

Our life can be frustrating and fraught with speed bumps, just like any other relationship, but when combined with the basic undercurrent of D/s, the boundaries are more clearly defined, and therefore it is a more consistent feeling all the time. I am secure in the knowledge that Master loves me, that i am owned by Him, and I know that fact will never change or waiver no matter what happens.

If i misbehave, He may get angry, He may well stand me in the corner, or punish me, but His love is a constant in my life.

I have changed a lot since moving in with Master, i am much more aware of the dynamics of what we share, and the fact that my behaviour is a direct reflection on Him and of the way He has trained me.

I am very conscious of that when we are out in public, and knowing  i wear His Collar around my neck, with a tag on that reads “Property of MJ”, fills me with pride and happiness, and i believe my behaviour reflects those feelings.

I know that i try harder to please Him than i have ever tried to please another person. I know that He is without doubt, the most important person in my life along with my son.

Nothing else matters, only His presence in my life – His happiness and wellbeing.

The utter joy i feel when i wake up each morning and know, that again, i will serve His tea, sit at His feet and do whatever He asks to the best of my ability, proves that living in a D/s relationship is right for me.

© kim (MJ) 2005

http://kimdebron.tripod.com/id14.html

Basic BDSM/Kink Titles and Terminology

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babyboy, babygirl, bblg, bdsm, bottom, collaring, daddy, dd/bg, dd/lg, discipline, dom, dominant, hedonist, masochism, masochist, owner, pet, sadism, sadist, sub, submissive, top

Master – this title would be given to someone who has mastered something or someone.  It is a non-gender specific title – a woman can be a master.  Many choose this title for themselves, but there are factions within the BDSM community who would regard that you cannot choose to use the title Master – it has to be bestowed on you, usually with a ceremony, often called a covering ceremony.
Mistress – a title for a female Dominant – “Mistress” is very commonly the title used for a professional Dominatrix, although not exclusively.  Some lifestyle Dominant women might choose the title Mistress.   There is, for some women, a negative connotation with this title – especially those of us who are a little older.  In earlier times, in the vanilla world, “Mistress” was the name given to the illicit lover of a married man.
Owner – someone who has accepted total responsibility for another person, who may identify as a slave.
Dominant – simply a person, male or female, who takes the dominant role in the BDSM interaction.   It’s a term that applies to someone who has a dominant role in a D/s relationship, ie in more than just casual play.
Dom – an abbreviation of Dominant, in this case usually a male dominant.
Domme – an abbreviation of Dominant, with a silly addition on the end to make it sound fancy, or to distinguish it from Dom – a Domme is a female dominant.
Domina – another term for a female dominant, more commonly used in Europe.
FemDomme or FemDom – a term for a female dominant who is usually dominant over a male submissive.
Kinkster – someone who considers themselves to be kinky, probably linked to kinky sexual behavior
Submissive – a person who chooses to give up control of certain aspects of their lives or their behavior to a dominant partner.  Also Sub or Subbie.
Slave – a person who consensually gives total control of their lives and their behavior, and their choices to their Master, Owner or Dominant.
Switch – someone who has both dominant and submissive behaviors and preferences, generally at different times, and may also be with different people.
Pet – a person who is treated much as a loved and valued pet, ex. a puppy or a kitten.
Brat – a submissive who is cheeky, talks back, is mildly disobedient or disrespectful in a playful way.
Kajira – a Gorean word for a female slave
Kajirus – a Gorean word for a male slave
Top – someone who takes the upper hand in a “play” session or in a scene
Bottom – someone who takes the lower or “receiving” role in a “play” session or in a scene
Sadist – a person who derives satisfaction from inflicting pain or humiliation – not necessarily sexual or erotic
Masochist – a person who enjoys receiving pain or humiliation – which may or may not be erotic or sexually satisfying
Sadomasochist – someone who enjoys activities which involve sadism and masochism
Ageplayer – person who is involved in “play” or in a relationship which has 2 participants of significantly different ages  – this type of BDSM is generally nurturing, e.g. parent/child, teacher/student.
Adult Baby – one who plays a role of a baby or a toddler – often includes dressing up in baby style clothes, sometimes includes diaper play.
Daddy / Mommy – the “adult” partner in age play.
Babygirl / Babyboy – the “child” partner in age play.
Lolita – a temptress who has the appearance of being underage.
Little – a “child” in age play.
Primal – this is a relatively recent role in BDSM use.  We think it means a person who is in touch with their raw natural animalistic instincts, behaving in an animal-like manner showing lack of significant cognitive skills, reacting to impulse instead of reason in extreme emotional situations.  Passionate and even barbaric.
Hedonist – a lover of all things sensual, beautiful, a pleasure-seeker.
Fetishist – one whose sexual gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body etc.
Vanilla – someone who is NOT “into BDSM”
Unsure – people who are curious, exploring, finding out, but not yet decided whether BDSM offers anything for them

Principle and Expectations of a submissive Entering into a D/s Relationship

Tags

bdsm, discipline, dom, dominant, sub, submission, submissive

Author’s Note: This  is not a universal guide or a path to the proverbial “one true way”. This is written from my perspective as a Master in my own D/s & M/s relationships, and my perspective as the Master of the House of Cadifor. It is directed at submissives who would look to engage with me or my House in a Power Exchange dynamic.

Before you contemplate moving from the playground kinkster world of Topping & Bottoming and pursuing a D/s relationship of enduring Power Exchange, please contemplate the following:

Acceptance
You are entering into a D/s relationship. This by definition isn’t fair or equitable. It is hard, challenging, and often confronting. It is also incredibly rewarding, but it sure as shit isn’t fair.

Dedication
The journey you are entering on is a long one, and many times along the way you will want to give up. The dedication required to stay true to the cause is greater than any other endeavour you may have undertaken, and you will suffer doubt and despair. At times like these you will need to draw upon that dedication. You have made a commitment and you are cheating your true self if you don’t see it through.

Honesty
For D/s to work total 100% honestly from the submissive is a non- negotiable requirement. Your new Owner needs to get to know ever intimate part of you, the good and the bad. Withholding is not allowed for a sub. On occasions, your Owner may withhold for management purposes. Again; this isn’t fair. Get used to it.

Effort
You are going to be given tasks to complete, and protocols to implement. These will start off small and simple, but they will grow. You are expected to put in maximum effort and apply yourself to all things to your best ability. Lack of effort shows and undermines the faith your Owner will have in your ability and willingness to complete future tasks. If you have questions or doubt regarding a task or protocol, communicate this openly and honestly with your Owner.

Trust
Trust works its way into every other aspect of D/s. If you don’t have trust, then you don’t have anything. You need to trust that your Owner wants the very best for you, that your owner is doing what is necessary out of unselfish motives.

Sacrifice
You are going to have to give up many things in order to gain the benefits of deep submission in a caring and nurturing D/s relationship. As you hand over power to your Owner, all the things that were once rights, become privileges: sexual gratification, sexual relationships, privacy, pleasure pain, play, pride, shame, and much of what previously was considered your sense of self.

Patience
As stated above; this is a long road to travel. It is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be bumps along the way, and mistakes will be made; both by yourself and your Owner. As you slide further into D/s you will often feel needy. You will want things from your Owner and you will want them “now”. You will need to develop the patience required to focus on the long term, rather than the immediate.

In conclusion:
D/s isn’t easy, but it is rewarding. Know what you’re getting into, if you want to get the most out of it. But just like everything else in life; you get out, what you put in.

~by Master James (Master James Fetlife profile can be found HERE)

Cathartic Spanking and Flagellation

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babyboy, babygirl, bblg, bdsm, beating, bondage, cane, canes, caning, cathartic, daddy, dd/bg, dd/lg, discipline, dom, dominant, flagellation, flogging, kink, kinky, master, rattan, sensual, slave, spank, spanking, sub, submissive

Cathartic: providing psychological relief through the open expression of strong emotions; causing catharsis.

Flagellation:  flogging, whipping or lashing is the act of methodically beating the human body with special implements such as floggers, whips, canes, paddles, etc.

We feel pain when we feel depressed, trapped, and hopeless. The feelings can be discussed and evaluated, but we don’t experience the deep emotional feelings that lay buried within. Many of us were taught to keep our feelings to ourselves. None of us were told to go to our room when we were happy; we were told to leave when we were feeling out of it. There was no acknowledgement or acceptance of our state of mind. We learned to suppress and ignore our emotions. Spanking does not necessarily need to be about receiving the pain simply for the sake of pain. It can bring these feelings and emotions to the present so they can be dealt with, and it can also bring about actual relief when given for the purpose of resolving inner conflict and turmoil. Spanking can give us permission to finally experience the hurt, to take us to a place of true emotional awareness.

Caning

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babyboy, babygirl, bblg, bdsm, beating, bondage, cane, canes, caning, cathartic, daddy, dd/bg, dd/lg, discipline, dominant, flogging, kink, kinky, master, rattan, sensual, slave, submissive

Caning can be defined as strokes or cuts with a single cane.

About Canes
Typically, canes are made from rattan, a type of palm tree native to Africa, Asia, Australia, New Zealand, and New Guinea. Rattan is superficially similar to bamboo, but unlike bamboo, rattan stems are solid and most species need structural support and cannot stand on their own. In North America, hickory, hazel, birch, and willow branches were used as disciplinary implements similar to canes, instead called switches and birches. Canes manufactured for disciplinary use come in different sizes and weights determining the potential severity of the punishment.

The commonly known stages of corporal punishment canes are as follows:

Junior/Nursery/School Canes: Approximately 8 millimeters in diameter and 60 centimeters long, these light canes are considered sufficient for punishment of young children.

Senior/Adult Cane: Approximately 10 millimeters in diameter and 75-80 centimeters long, used for older children.

Reformatory/Borstal Cane: Approximately 12 millimeters in diameter and 90-120 centimeters long, this cane was reserved for incorrigible juveniles and older inmates.

Singapore Cane: Approximately 12.5 millimeters in diameter and 120 centimeters in length, the Singapore cane is used in Singapore (shocker!), Malaysia, and Brunei for the judicial punishment of adult criminals.

 

Making Rattan Canes

Traditionally, sensual canes are approximately 8 millimeters in diameter but thinner and thicker can be useful as well.  Keep in mind that, generally speaking the thicker the cane, the deeper it is penetrating tissue and creating damage (bruising and welts). Rattan comes in all sort of diameters, but most cane-sized rattan in the United States comes to the country in bent coils.

• A fine-tooth saw (such as coping saws and hacksaws) work well to cut the rattan to length.
• Longer canes have more power, but can be awkward. Fifty to eighty centimeters are easier to aim and more convenient in close quarters.
• Because the rattan is coiled, it has the potential to be cracked. Do not include cracked portions in the rattan that is cut.
• The cane will be more durable if the tip includes a joint of the stem. Cut the stem about the equivalent of its diameter to one side of the joint– this will become the tip of the cane. The end without joints included are fine for handles, it is the tips that absorb the shock and strain.
• Each tip much be smoothly rounded off, any kind of edge will break skin easily. Coarse sand paper works well, as will a fairly coarse metal file.
• The entire length of the cane should be hand-sanded with medium paper, and stray fibers should be removed.
• The cut pieces will have to be soaked and steamed to straighten them without breaking. Soak the canes in water for a day or two, bathtubs serve the purpose well.
• A straightening rig should be prepared before you begin the steaming processes. A suggested method of rigging would be to insert the canes into plastic piping; the plastic won’t rust and stain the canes.
• Once the straightener is arranged, boil a large pot of water. Wrap the canes in a towel, lay them in the drained bathtub, and pour boiling water over them every minute for a few minutes.
• Carefully unwrap them (dishwashing gloves will protect your hands) and quickly bend them straight and put them in the straightening device.
• Place the straightener in a dry place with ventilation for 5 – 10 days.
• Remove the canes and hang them to air dry for a day.
• Brush them thoroughly with three coat of spar varnish (varathane works well), allowing them to dry enough so that you can sand off any lumps between coats.
• The handles can be left as it, or a grip can be added for comfort or appearance. Grips can be made out of cord, leather (lacing), tape (bicycle handlebar tape works well), or plastic tool dip.

Other Materials for Canes

Other kinds of wooden rods can be prepared this way, such as bamboo and forsythia. Bamboo is cheap and widely available, however heavy blows with a bamboo cane can be dangerous. Bamboo can split without warning and can easily break and cut skin; hardwood dowels have the same problem. Forsythia is very popular and can make a reasonable cane, although they are not as durable. Synthetic canes, usually made of plastic (Delrin, Lexan, fiberglass are sturdy, acrylic is quite breakable), are much more dense than wood and therefore hit harder. On the plus side, they are very easy to clean.

Sensual Caning

Caning has a reputation of severe punishment to most submissves. However, with correct technique, finesse, and perfect control, canes can be used in a loving and sensuous fashion.

In a caning scene, it is easiest to have the bottom lying flat on a table, mattress, or even on the floor. Having a three to four foot clearance on either side of the bottom allows the top to switch sides and keep the caning symmetrical. It also allows the top to roam freely over different parts of the bottom’s body. While the bottom is standing, it creates a tendency for the top to strike too high on the bony half of the butt, and causes difficulty reaching the “sweet spot” in the crease between the butt and the thighs. While the bottom is bent over, this stretches the skin causing it to be much more sensitive and further exposes the tailbone. One hard strike to the tailbone can possibly chip the bone, causing a painful, lifetime disability.

It is very important in caning to allow the bottom to have sufficient warm-up. A good bottom will be working to control panic and nervousness, and the top’s duty is not to challenge the bottom’s efforts but rather to support the smooth building of intensity. A light massage will encourage the bottom to relax, trust, and expect pleasure. A little fingertip percussion on muscled areas of the body provides a good bridge between massage and flagellation. In the beginning, very light taps with the cane over non-bony areas will introduce the cane without breaking the relaxation and trust already built. Initially, the taps should have less force than when doing fingertip taps, mixed with feather-light taps. These will provide wonderful contrast to harder strokes later on. As the warm-up continues, varying single taps, double taps, flutters, various intensities and patterns will teach the bottom that though they cannot predict the strokes, they will not be harmed. Essentially, it is non-verbal trust building to encourage the best bottom space. A very important factor for the bottom comes from breathing. Deep, slow breathing controls the unpleasant portion of pain that comes with panic. If a bottom’s breathing becomes short and choppy (assuming they are not coming), it is a good idea to remind them to relax and breathe deeply. It is a good idea for the top to keep a hand in steady contact with the bottom, whether they are simply touching, caressing, or massaging. Not only will this contact relax and comfort the bottom, but the top will be able to detect twitches, tension, and relaxation. The muscles under the top’s hand should be more and more relaxed as the caning continues, otherwise this is a fair sign that your buildup is insufficient. The shock waves made by a cane are directional, meaning they tend to continue through the target in the general direction the cane was moving when it impact was made. The “sweet spot” referenced earlier, below the butt, sends shock waves into a complex of muscles and nerves directly involved with sexual excitement. Many bottoms will enjoy a steady rhythm of light to medium strokes to the sweet spot, especially if they are angled to send the waves up and forward. A good sign of sexual connection is when a face-down bottom whose hips begin to rise and fall in a steady rhythm. It is said that up to a quarter of individuals can climax from caning. A single cane can deliver a symphony of sensations. With each stroke, two particular sensations can be felt: contraction and expansion of the nerves. A snappy strike that is pulled back just before impact with emphasize sting, while a strike is carried past the moment of impact with follow through will have more thud and penetration. The greatest intensity is delivered by the outer third or so of the cane; this is the portion that will leave marks in a hard strike. Closer to the handle, the cane moves much more slowly, and provides a more thuddy, massage-like sensation.

Like spanking, caning can provide a cathartic reaction.

Subspace & Drop, Domspace & Drop

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babyboy, babygirl, bblg, bdsm, beating, bondage, cane, canes, caning, cathartic, daddy, dd/bg, dd/lg, discipline, dom, dominant, flagellation, flogging, kink, kinky, master, rattan, sensual, slave, spank, spanking, sub, submissive

Subspace

Subspace (also called headspace) is the term used to describe a submissive’s state of being brought on by an intense combination of pain and pleasure.

Going Up

The body releases epinephrine, endorphins, enkephalins, and adrenaline as part of the “fight or flight” response, producing as morphine-like effect. Submissives experience an increased pain tolerance, out-of-body sensations, and impaired senses/abilities. Many experience subspace differently, but common effects could include an inability to communicate effectively, impaired vision, a limpness of the body, a hallucinogenic state of mind, and an overall detachment from reality. The reduced ability to communicate combined with the numbness to pain due to high levels of endorphins can lead to the sub actually being hurt/damaged if the Dominant involved is less experienced, unaware of what signals to watch for, or waiting for the sub to code out. On the other hand, a sub can become addicted to the high and while in subspace beg for more physical stimulation. It is in this kind of situation that the Dominant  must retain control of the situation and bring the sub safely down from the high.

 

Levels of Subspace

1. The ordinary headspace of a submissive.
2. The mental shift within a submissive to focus on the Dominant, becoming receptive to their orders, and the Dominant’s attention is focused on the sub.
3. “Smart-Assed Masochist“: (optional) Disobedient phase in which the sub may challenge the Dominant (ex. unclip cuffs, slide out of assigned position, didn’t hear a command). This is to ensure that the Dominant is going to stick to their rules and can be trusted.
4. Blond Space: Breathing becomes deeper, the room may completely disappear, and the submissive may become less responsive. They may be giggly, forget orders, have illogical reactions, or find it difficult to speak coherently.
5. Subspace: In this level, submissives may lose contact with the level of pain they are experiencing, extremities may feel numb, and if the submissive is standing during this level of play they can potentially fall to the floor or lose consciousness completely.
6. Fight-or-Flight Syndrome: when a submissive reaches the point of losing all sense of reality.

“There are only two scenes in this lifestyle over the last 20 years that I witnessed this event and the Dom had to hold his submissive down on the floor with His body to keep her under control until she stopped scratching, clawing and trying to run. She was so high she was screaming ‘Let me go!’ It took her almost 15 minutes to regain enough composure to realize where she was.”

Coming Down

A sub begins coming out of subspace as their body ceases production of the chemicals mentioned earlier. Tingling, buzzing, grogginess and a feeling of drunkenness replaces the high while coordination and consciousness returns. Psychologically speaking, the effects of subdrop vary by individual and can range anywhere from a few hours to a couples weeks. In this aspect of subdrop, the mind reacts very similarly to withdrawal, such as feelings of guilt, shame, depression, irrational fears, anger, insecurity, loneliness, and tears. It is the Dominants responsibility to provide aftercare for the sub, which may include providing affection, reassurance, hugs, kisses, and cuddles.

Domspace

On the other side of the coin there is domspace (not to be confused with Dominant headspace: the headspace desired when preparing for a scene) which is similar in creating a “high” but with one very distinct difference: a Dominant must remain aware and monitor the sub at all times to maintain limits and safety. The high involved in domspace can be described as a feeling of amplification, being outside of yourself while being more yourself than ever, pure, focused, an expanded sense of intuition, heightened awareness, losing track of the time and space surrounding them, and a stronger than usual connection with the sub.

There are two ways to describe levels of domspace. Some people simply separate them in primary and secondary space while others have made levels similar to those of subspace.

Primary Domspace

A Dominant in primary domspace experiences feeling warm, flushed, a strange sensation in the chest, sharp squareness of the shoulders, and like one has the ability to take on the world.

Secondary Domspace

Physical exertion resulting in secretion of adrenaline, serotonin and endorphins. These chemicals make the dominant hyper sensitive and aware, calm, and even light-headedness or dizziness. Next, the body will release Dopamine, increasing energy, and oxytocin which produces a euphoric state.

Levels of Domspace

1. Bottom Space: the ordinary headspace of a Dominant.
2. Wannabe Domspace: More of a playful manner of topping, giving small  Dominating impulses. More dominant in the physical sense than the emotional and mental sense.
3. Tease Space: Very short phase in which the Dominant tests if he can control the power shift. He may allow the sub an opportunity to be disobedient or give her a little nudge.
4. Dominant Space: Increased confidence, sensitivity, and pride. Power exchange becomes easy.
5. Bastard Space: A primal phase, with the potential of becoming dangerous. A Dominant can lose control of themselves and go too far.

“Once I witnessed it once happened in RL in a community where me and my former Master used to gather weekly. He was a Master with quite experience and very known, and she was a very experience sub as well. They started a scene where all happened as it was expected, some whips, then tie her to a post and he started to use her, and along the way, we noticed he started to get more violent, more rough, and she enjoyed at first, but then she started to get more and more nervous. It reached to a point where she was crying, and he was not stopping, and even slapping her a few times, we were all there nervous and almost jumping from our seats… she whispered her safe word and he did not stopped, we only allowed to continue a few more seconds then  two Masters came to hold him and try to calm him down, and took him away to another room… the girls went to her, untie her and helped her calm down as well…“

 

6. God Space: When a Dominant feels he has total control over the entire essence of the sub.

The altered state of domspace, like subspace, does not necessarily happen every time a Dominant enters a scene. Ways to encourage domspace would include: ritualization of scene preparation, intimacy trust and connection with the submissive involved, confidence, non-attachment (focusing on reaching domspace will result in difficulty reaching domspace, a watched pot never boils), attention in the moment, focusing and responding, fluidity and going with the moment naturally, and, most importantly, relaxing and having fun.

Dom Drop

Dom drop is very similar to sub drop and can manifest in different ways depending on the person, the intensity of the scene, and can be physical or emotional, or both. Physically, a dom can experience exhaustion and soreness; while mentally they could experience self-doubt, lethargy, deep melancholy, and in some cases guilt.

Aftercare

For a Dom, taking care of oneself is just as important as taking care of one’s sub. Things that can help during drop would include drinking plenty of fluids, taking some “me time”, and communicating with one’s sub. As a sub, it’s very important to reassure your Dominant, tell them you love them, and that you enjoyed what they did during a scene.